Avoiding Your Dreams- 3 Steps to Begin Your Break Through
In the hustle and bustle of life, it’s easy and even understandable to avoid chasing our dreams. Admittedly, avoid even thinking about making a career move. However, what if we looked at this journey through another lens?
As a life & leadership coach, I see patterns to not only the avoidance, but also steps successful people take to move through these barriers and create their joy.
AVOIDANCE TECHNIQUES
“Let’s talk about Molly.”
This is an inside joke with my family. When I was a child and didn’t want to go to bed, do a chore, or complete whatever was being requested of me, I would often say, “let’s talk about Molly.”
Molly was our family dog.
Molly was also my childhood version of avoidance.
What is your Molly? Furthermore, what are you, year after year, thinking about yet avoiding taking any action towards?
“It’s just not the right time to search for a job right now.”
“Things are okay with work; I should be happy where I am.”
“Sure, it’s not fulfilling work anymore, but what else would I do?”
Any of this sound familiar? You definitely aren’t the first, nor will you be the last in asking these questions. Even so, we create this avoidance in being truly fulfilled for reasons that frankly WHEN WE ARE HONEST WITH OURSELVES begin to sound pretty silly. Yes, even to ourselves.
PATTERNS
In general, through my coaching work I’ve begun to recognize patterns specific to women “wanting” to find a new career. Why is want in quotes?
First off, there is a difference between dreaming about a new career versus actually taking the steps to get there. For instance, think of the WANT on a sliding scale. Lower level of want being to strictly dream, even lust for it. The highest level being finally hitting the point to do something about it.
Second, self-realization comes with a lot of reflection. Women, typically, do not make time for this self-reflection until shit really hits the fan. Then we either scramble, medicate, or tell ourselves it’s too late for a change. Even make an extremely emotional decision without using BOTH our rational and emotional sides to think about our next action.
Finally, even if we really, really want to make a change, women self-sabotage by delaying under the ruse of needing to care for everyone else’s needs.
Did that just feel like I ripped off your Band-Aid? Sorry not sorry.
However, the way through these patterns is actually simpler than you may think. In fact, there are three steps to set you up for success.
Let’s not talk about Molly.
STEP 1 — WRITE IT DOWN
I’m a writer by nature and now profession, but even this first step was lost on me for years. WRITE…IT…DOWN…
We think we “know” what we want. In fact, we feel as though with the thoughts swirling around and consuming our mind so much, it is surely all in our head. No need to write it down.
WRONG.
Humans have upwards of SIX THOUSAND thoughts in a day. Take a moment to think about the gravity of SIX THOUSAND thoughts. Now, can you tell me what even a quarter of those thoughts were from yesterday?
Writing our thoughts down not only helps us process what we are thinking about, but also supports us in seeing patterns.
You have a feeling you want to do something different. “But I just can’t put my finger on it.”
Correct. It’s swirling around with 5,999 other thoughts. Feeling very fleeting. Hap hazard even.
Write down your thoughts.
It should be noted, I didn’t say you were publishing these thoughts. If the concept of writing out thoughts brings about trepidation of your writing skills, STOP. No one has to see your notes. In fact, you don’t even need to write sentences, but rather just key words.
To demonstrate, let’s say you are at the beginning of this journey to discover the answer to “what next?” Spend a couple of weeks writing words, activities, and thoughts bringing you joy:
Sunshine, human connection, piano music, seeing others smile, laughing, sports, kids’ activities, inspiring messages…
Focus less on the outcome and more on what it is about these things making you happy. We get way too caught up in figuring out the career step first. Go a level or two deeper.
I’m not saying this list of items will make sense upon first pass. In fact, it shouldn’t.
The list above was part of my brainstorm list from two years ago. From this came my vision statement of Connection Through Radiating Happiness. A few weeks later The Mom Huddle blog idea was born. A few weeks more and I decided to become a certified Life & Leadership Coach.
The point is, moving to action too quickly is the fully emotional response. Allowing ourselves space to make notes, look for patterns, and think… all starts with writing it down.
STEP 2 — THE AVOIDANCE TRAP / SET TIME
“I want to make a change, but I just don’t have time.”
My response? Then you don’t truly want to make a change.
This is not me trying to be rude. I’m just being honest and telling you something your best friend is sugar coating for you the next time you complain about it over a bottle of wine.
Your want for making the change is not as high as your want for something else in your life. (Remember our sliding scale above?) For the record, THAT IS FINE! But until you realize this and admit it to yourself, there will always be an underlying sense of dissatisfaction.
Creating space in your life for something means something else has to give. There is not 110% of life out there. Only 100%. With this in mind, it’s in studying the 100% and the time women are putting into each area of their life, they discover opportunities for making changes to follow a different path.
I have clients who have made the decision to follow a dream. There is one thing they all have in common. First and foremost, they carve out time to work on their dream. In fact, they live and breathe by the calendar.
The avoidance trap is set by our super conservative, rational side of the brain trying to keep us safe. It’s when we make the “let’s talk about Molly,” statement instead of sitting down in our thoughts to write down what brings us joy.
Additionally, it’s when we tell ourselves we “know” what we want but can never achieve it.
Alternatively, have you tried?
One of the first things I ask people when we set ANY type of goal is, “where are you going to fit this into your week?”
So, I ask you now, where are you going to put one hour in your life this week to write down what brings you joy? And next week…. And next?
STEP 3 — ACCOUNTABILITY
When we make a goal and no one knows about it, then we don’t have to tell anyone if we fail, right?
Precisely.
Quit hiding behind the cloak of unpublished goals. For the record, I’m not lobbying for you to post your new goal, dream, or career decision all over social media. In general, social media is one way to create accountability but there are other reasons this may not be the best decision for you (an article for another day).
Regardless though, think through your life right now. Who would make a sustainable and reliable accountability partner?
I have clients who have amazing networks of supportive people pushing them to be the best they can be. On the flip side, I have other clients who don’t feel as though their “starting 5” fit the bill for pushing them to the next level.
The key is understanding if they are just going to be “yes WO-men” in your life or if they will truly challenge you. Of course, with your best interest at heart.
For example, it is NOT recommended in the coaching world to work with immediate family or really close friends. Namely, objectivity.
Subsequently, will they ask open ended questions and push you to think about a scenario from all perspectives? All while simultaneously not pushing their own agenda or lens.
In summary, don’t fall into the trap of avoiding an accountability partner so you have an out. If your dream falls in the woods and no one is around, does it make a sound?
In your heart, yes, it does.
AVOIDANCE SUMMARY
You are the captain of your ship. There are absolutely days it doesn’t feel like it, especially in motherhood when everyone else seems to need SOMETHING.
However, there is a reason when you board a plane, they tell you to put on your oxygen mask first.
What’s your Molly? What are you avoiding today which can be solved with the following?
· writing down your thoughts
· creating space and time for yourself to think
· establishing an accountability partner to support you in getting there
I have faith in you and your ability to break through the avoidance.
